I Call Him Abba

From the Author?s Introduction:

I was 8 or 9 when I made my first unconscious attempt to have a more personal relationship with God. I was lying on my bed staring up at the ceiling praying about something. I started with the usual 'Dear God . . . ' and then stopped. I don?t remember what I was praying about but I do remember that I felt I needed to talk to Someone closer than the distant impersonal 'God' I had learned about.

'Dear Daddy' didn?t sound right. Then my mind jumped to an often repeated prayer 'our Father who aren?t in heaven . . .' God was my Father. I couldn?t call him Daddy. How about Father? Instantly God was someone I had a relationship with but He didn?t have to go to work every day. He was around anytime I needed Him. To me that was very reassuring.

But although I have called Him 'Father ' and later 'Abba ' since that time He has still paradoxically too often seemed distant tyrannical a perfectionist whose standards I cannot hope to meet. No longer a Catholic I continued to do penance in my own way hoping to appease Him hoping that someday He might look down on me and be proud. I never hoped for love really just a parental pride and acceptance.

I realize now that the way I looked at God then had a lot to do with how I viewed my earthly father-- how I felt about him and how I thought he felt about me. I?m not the product of a perfect childhood. I?ve yet to meet anyone who is. I grew up felling that nothing I could ever do would be good enough. But still I tried because I wanted to feel that same parental pride and acceptance from my earthly father. I didn?t dare hope for what I believed constituted love.

In His infinite wisdom God gave me time to think about this before He blessed me with my first child. A boy. A rambunctious in-your-face kind of kid. Unto us a child was born unto us a son was given and we called his name Joshua. And one day not the day he was born but a day farther down the road I became a mother.

I looked at that child and I thought Father how could You let me love anyone so much? And that was when I realized how intensely God loved me. Just because I was me. Not because I was anything special. Not because He was proud of me. Not because I had finally beaten myself up enough over my sins. Just because I was me. And when I realized that He looks down on me and says 'How could I love anyone so much?' with that same tightening of the chest I feel when I look at my children I finally understood what love real love is all about.

This book is about the moments I have had since becoming a mother that have helped me understand God and His love more clearly. These are the 'Ahhh!' kind of revelations that can be hard to understand before you become a parent. If you are not a parent I hope that you will come to understand through these experiences another perspective on how much God loves you. If you are a parent I hope that you will come to understand through these experiences another perspective on how much God loves you. If you are a parent I hope that you will see through your own children the depth of God?s love for each one of us.